Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
