I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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