Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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