Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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