Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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