Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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