I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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