meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
