Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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