Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
