He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
