Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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