woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
