Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
