i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
