Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
