And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
