Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
