Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
