Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
