This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
