Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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