She is in my trunk
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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