i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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