i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
