can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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