So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She needs sedatives and a leash
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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