There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
