I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You can't just leave with hair like that
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
