Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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