I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
