he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
