i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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