Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
