she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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