I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
