we have pet lesbian snakes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
