we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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