And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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