hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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