I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
