Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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