I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
