Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
