I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
