...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
But break dance skills will only take you so far
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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