Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
