so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
