'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
