you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
