every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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