I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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