this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
